I am lost… I found myself

When I broke the news to my wife, I tell her the diagnostic result, and she was very calm. The first words from her were like a balm to my soul. She said, “Let’s fight this together!” I was touched, and at the same time, I knew I had to fight as it was not just for myself but also for the people around me: my family and friends. It helped me push through the thoughts that troubled me. In the following weeks, I went through a few more medical checks, and my ENT (ear, nose and throat) doctor arranged an endoscopy operation in 3 weeks. The doctor was very professional and explained in detail about the operation that had to be done without any cutting on the surface of my nose. It was instead a scope-like procedure that was able to remove the tumour by going into the skull. There was also a risk that in any unforeseen circumstances, which could put my case beyond the limitation of an endoscopy procedure could handle, then I would need an open skull procedure to be performed by a neurosurgeon. To be frank, this was my first time to have a major operation, and I was quite worried as I was informed that it would take at least nine hours for this procedure. The good part is that the doctor is very confident and mentioned that there was a 95% success rate. Adding to my comfort, he mentioned that we would try our best to go for a cure even though I had stage 4 cancer. According to him, this was because the type of cancer that I had is a rare one, and the characteristic is that it is easily spread but not as aggressive in general. I took those words as fact and used them to comfort myself whenever I grew scared about my illness. Finally, the day of my operation arrived. It was September 16, 2022, and it was important for more than one reason. It was my birthday week as well. I entered the hospital with my loved ones around me. I cannot say that I wasn’t worried because I was. Right before the doctors put me under, I wondered if this was it for me. However, after spending thirteen hours, including preparation, the operation was completed. It was a success. I remember when I opened my eyes, the first thing I saw was the doctor’s smiling face. That unsurprisingly set my mind at ease, I thought that he wouldn’t be smiling at me if he had bad news for me. I only heard from the doctor that everything was done, and all was well. Although I still felt groggy, I replied, “Thank you, doctor,” right before I surrendered to unconsciousness again. I was in the ICU (intensive care unit) for the next twenty-four hours for close monitoring, my wife was there waiting for me when I was pushed out from the operating theatre. I couldn’t respond much as I could remember as I was still in sedation. The next few hours were a blur; I could hear the world passing by and people talking to me, but I could not focus long enough to respond. The next moment I remember, while I was still fading in and out of consciousness, I heard a voice which I assumed was the nurse trying to give me a cup of milk with some sort of a biscuit that was soaked in the milk. She said, “You have not eaten for almost twenty-four hours now; you have to eat a bit.” I tried my best to have a few sips. In the middle of the night, I went into a high fever. I wasn’t aware of anything other than my body and how uncomfortable I felt, and I could vaguely sense that some doctors were walking in and out of the isolated room and taking my blood for testing. It felt like a long night, but I can’t remember much. The next day, I was woken by a nurse who wanted to give me my breakfast. When I came to my senses, I realised that my whole face was swollen due to the operation, and I could not really open my eyes. To my surprise, the nurse pushed a spoon into my hand and said, “You must be independent. The faster you can do some of these small little things, like feeding yourself, the faster you are going to recover.” I took her advice and started to dig in. It was hard to do that with my blurry vision and disorientation. I did not know what I was eating; whatever was on my plate was tasteless, and I couldn’t even see it. That did not matter to me; I only told myself the fight had begun, so let’s do it!